Sunderland defender Titus Bramble has reacted to the news of Rio Ferdinand losing his legal battle by instructing his lawyers to find much better lawyers.
Arrested on suspicion of sexual assault and possession of a Class A drug, many football fans are wondering if his defence will consist of him looking confused before falling on his backside.
Bramble revealed, “Rio’s surprise defeat was certainly not the result I was hoping for.”
“I couldn’t handle Norwich so I really don’t know what chance I’ve got in court against the next attack.”
“I guess I could try for privacy over public interest though. I get the feeling people in Wigan and Newcastle in particular don’t want to hear about me anyway.”
Bramble way offside
Bramble is also concerned by the way the privacy defence proved ineffective for Ryan Giggs due to social networking, ensuring the thought of checking his Twitter feed is causing him to tremble at the knees like when he is one-on-one against a mediocre striker.
“My mates have been telling me the online world’s full of tiresome puns about me being caught in possession again, and how I can’t have been found with any speed.” said Bramble.
“The fans and media don’t consider our feelings for one second. I completely sympathise with Carlos Tevez – it’s so unfair!”
“But maybe if I claim it was all a big misunderstanding I’ll be able to go to Ireland for a few months.”
“I might even come across as a half-decent player over there.”
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