Chelsea’s Fernando Torres will miss the next three Premier League matches after Mike Dean sent him off against Swansea for playing well and scoring, and thereby ruining everyone else’s fun.
Not only did the Spaniard score Chelsea’s opener, but he also had the audacity to create his team’s second, leaving the referee no option but to give him a straight red for jeopardising the ability of pundits and fans of other clubs to mock him relentlessly.
“He gave me no choice. Everyone knows that a good performance by Fernando Torres is completely intolerable in the modern game,” Dean explained.
“At no point did he miss a sitter or display that sulky expression we have seen so many times over the past few months, so I had to reach for a straight red.
“If I had let him stay on the pitch he would have continued playing well and probably scored another goal.’
“I was under strict instructions from my bosses at Manchester United to prevent this at all costs so hopefully by giving him a three game ban we can put an end to this worrying return to form.”
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