Job cuts hit UK Royal Navy

The defence spending cuts brought in by the UK coalition government have taken their toll on the armed forces with 1,020 Royal Navy staff learning they are going to be made redundant.

It is part of a move to reduce the Navy’s headcount to 30,000 by 2015, in order to save £5 billion.

Former Navy chief Admiral Lord West spoke out against the news, critical of the government’s decision, and MoD staff in particular.

He also voiced concerns over the relentless cutting which has been ongoing for years, with implications that the Armed Forces might become incapable of functioning effectively due to the lack of resources and personnel.

The announcement follows news of approximately 920 soldiers and 930 RAF staff losing their jobs earlier in the month.

Source:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-15120821

I definitely need a better lawyer than Rio Ferdinand, admits Titus Bramble

Sunderland defender Titus Bramble has reacted to the news of Rio Ferdinand losing his legal battle by instructing his lawyers to find much better lawyers.

Arrested on suspicion of sexual assault and possession of a Class A drug, many football fans are wondering if his defence will consist of him looking confused before falling on his backside.

Bramble revealed, “Rio’s surprise defeat was certainly not the result I was hoping for.”

“I couldn’t handle Norwich so I really don’t know what chance I’ve got in court against the next attack.”

“I guess I could try for privacy over public interest though. I get the feeling people in Wigan and Newcastle in particular don’t want to hear about me anyway.”

Bramble way offside

Bramble is also concerned by the way the privacy defence proved ineffective for Ryan Giggs due to social networking, ensuring the thought of checking his Twitter feed is causing him to tremble at the knees like when he is one-on-one against a mediocre striker.

“My mates have been telling me the online world’s full of tiresome puns about me being caught in possession again, and how I can’t have been found with any speed.” said Bramble.

“The fans and media don’t consider our feelings for one second. I completely sympathise with Carlos Tevez – it’s so unfair!”

“But maybe if I claim it was all a big misunderstanding I’ll be able to go to Ireland for a few months.”

“I might even come across as a half-decent player over there.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/30/i-definitely-need-a-better-lawyer-than-rio-ferdinand-admits-titus-bramble/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

UK objects to EU tax proposition

A financial transaction tax suggested by the European Commission has been met with resistance in London, causing British bank share prices to drop sharply.

It is estimated that the tax would raise approximately £50bn, but British officials have expressed concerns that up to 80% would be taken from the capital of England, leading them to term it a 'tax on London'.

Jose Manual Barroso urged countries to become involved, emphasising the need for unity and togetherness to fight the global financial crisis, and particularly the economic challenges posed by Greece's precarious position.

Other EC executives made clear their confidence in the tax facilitating the fair "contribution" of the financial sector towards solving current economic difficulties.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1217588

Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-15090761

I want Carlos Tevez out of Manchester, insists Carlos Tevez

Following his refusal to take to the field against Bayern Munich, Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has announced his determination to do whatever it takes to force Carlos Tevez out of the club.

Mancini wanted to bring the Argentine on in the second half in the hope of transforming the game, but Tevez made clear that he’d be more interested in attending the Labour party conference.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Carlos Tevez will never play for Manchester City. Never.” Tevez said after the match.

“My off-pitch behaviour has been appalling for months and now I’ve taken that final step which completely crosses the line. No, not the touchline.”

“In the coming days I’ll be doing everything to see that I get out of here. Just like I’ve been doing for the past year or so.”

“It’s been really hard to make myself look like a bigger fool than Balotelli, but I think I’m finally getting there.”

Tevez not feeling blue

Mancini tried his best to sound angry and like he knew what was going on as he explained the situation.

“I do not tolerate players on such high wages who refuse to play and exhibit such childish behaviour.”

“Actually I didn’t before, but since I joined City I’ve had to learn to put up with it – if I want any players to select at all.”

“I’m ready to kick this spoiled multi-millionaire into touch and replace him with another spoiled multi-millionaire.”

“Our squad is such that we have any number of them waiting to take Tevez’s place.”

“Now, where’s Owen Hargreaves?”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/28/i-want-carlos-tevez-out-of-manchester-insists-carlos-tevez/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

Champions League woes in Manchester

The fallout from last night's Champions League matches is consuming both Manchester clubs as they look to rebound from disappointing results and performances.

Sir Alex Ferguson has expressed his frustration at his players who threw away a 2-0 lead at Old Trafford, where they were saved by a last-minute Ashley Young header to take a point against Basel of Switzerland, 3-3 on the night.

But the furore was far greater at "noisy neighbours" City, where a 2-0 defeat against Bayern Munich was compounded by revelations that Carlos Tevez refused to come on as a substitute.

The reaction to the news from the media and fans was furious, given the Argentine's astronomical wages, but he has since claimed he was "misunderstood", although his time at the club now seems to be over - considering his manager's comments.

With both clubs having struggled in the opening matches of this season's competition, some might question why they have been able to enjoy such easy starts to the domestic campaign.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1217373

3000 Jobs cut at major UK defence firm

UK defence company BAE Systems is to cut up to 3000 jobs in the north of England. The news has been expected by employees since the public spending cuts were introduced.

The announcement of the final figures was met with anger from union bosses, who were critical of the length of time that members had to wait for confirmation, as well as the government's decisions involving slashing defence spending.

Labour's Yvette Cooper said that the news was "devastating", referring to the importance of highly-skilled jobs in the area that were being lost.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1210429

Source:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2011/sep/27/bae-confirms-3000-job-losses

Villa Man Spares QPR Defender ‘Death By Warnock’

Aston Villa’s Richard Dunne and match referee Michael Oliver are set to receive sizable Christmas cards (and possibly sneaky fivers inside too) after sparing QPR’s Armand Traore from being ripped limb-from-limb by Neil Warnock on Sunday.

Warnock called the defender “an absolute disgrace” after Sunday’s match, but lifted the death sentence at the last moment as Dunne felt sorry enough to hit a last-minute own-goal equaliser, whilst Oliver’s erratic decision making managed to distract the QPR chief long enough to save the Senegalese player’s life.

Traore expressed his gratitude to Dunne and Oliver with a sentimental message on his official website.

“I’m still coming to terms with what Richard and Michael have done for me today.”

“Because of their heroic actions I have escaped with my life.”

“In fairness I feel that having to share a dressing room with Joey Barton is more than enough punishment for any player to take, but I feel truly blessed to have escaped with a simple humiliation on national TV rather than a talking to death by the boss.”

“I can now look forward to enjoying the rest of my career and being part of a Queens Park Rangers side that takes regular batterings at places like Stoke and Bolton.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/football-clubs/aston-villa/villa-man-spares-qpr-defender-death-by-warnock/

Amanda Knox appeal intensifies

Amanda Knox, appealing against her conviction for killing British exchange student Meredith Kercher in 2007 in Italy, was described as "diabolical" by the lawyer of the man she tried to blame for the murder.

Knox and Raffaele Sollecito hope to have the verdict of the appeal by October, although being called a "witch of deception" is unlikely to aid the American's case.

The family of the victim warned that Meredith is being forgotten due to the focus of all attention directed towards Knox, and it seems that their fears are being realised as media and public fascination with her shows no signs of abating.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1213456

Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-15059817

Labour conference underway

The Labour party is holding its conference in the UK this week, and leader Ed Miliband and Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls have already been making strong policies and promises.

Miliband opened by challenging David Cameron's leadership and calling for a tax cut to kick-start growth. Balls then followed by proposing a five-point plan to enhance Labour's economic credibility.

The five were: repeating the bank bonus tax; creating jobs through long-term investment; reversing the VAT rise temporarily; cutting VAT 5% on home-related work; a national insurance break for small firms which hire new workers.

The Conservatives critised the suggestions, citing Labour's "addiction" to debt.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1212370

Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-15054705

Chelsea Man Punished For Playing Well

Chelsea’s Fernando Torres will miss the next three Premier League matches after Mike Dean sent him off against Swansea for playing well and scoring, and thereby ruining everyone else’s fun.

Not only did the Spaniard score Chelsea’s opener, but he also had the audacity to create his team’s second, leaving the referee no option but to give him a straight red for jeopardising the ability of pundits and fans of other clubs to mock him relentlessly.

“He gave me no choice. Everyone knows that a good performance by Fernando Torres is completely intolerable in the modern game,” Dean explained.

“At no point did he miss a sitter or display that sulky expression we have seen so many times over the past few months, so I had to reach for a straight red.

“If I had let him stay on the pitch he would have continued playing well and probably scored another goal.’

“I was under strict instructions from my bosses at Manchester United to prevent this at all costs so hopefully by giving him a three game ban we can put an end to this worrying return to form.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/headline/chelsea-man-punished-for-playing-well/

Aston Villa Unveil Secret Weapon For QPR Game

Aston Villa have been granted FA permission to field a remote-controlled mannequin wearing an Alice band as a twelfth man on Sunday, in a desperate attempt to distract Joey Barton from harming living players.

Villa boss Alec Mcleish explained his decision, “Some might be surprised, but I think it’s the least that could be done considering the circumstances.

“Stilian Petrov is a key player for us, and I don’t want him to spend most of the match trying to work out why Joey keeps calling him a ‘mug’ or a ‘numptie’ that’s assuming Petrov even knows what those things are.”

English referees’ chief Mike Riley justified the decision by explaining that giving Villa an extra man was no more generous than allowing Barton to still get near a football pitch.

“Many are going to question the fairness of it, but Twitter users at least will understand why we’ve made this call, and word will hopefully spread from them – as everything else seems to these days.

“It will be fascinating to see just how irate Barton will become with an inanimate opponent incapable of provoking him.

“However we’re not taking any chances, the mannequin has signed an insurance waiver and there’s a stab proof vest just in case things get out of hand” said Riley.

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/football-clubs/aston-villa/aston-villa-unveil-secret-weapon-for-qpr-game/

Man United Inject A Dose Of Reality Into Owen

Sir Alex Ferguson has hit back at the hype surrounding Owen Hargreaves by pointing out that the 30-year old midfielder needs more than one match every three years to prove himself a decent player.

Hargreaves’ midweek performance and goal against Birmingham in the League Cup led some to suggest him worthy of an England call-up, but Ferguson has kept his feet on the ground by reminding people that Birmingham are actually crap.

“It takes more than one match against a Championship side in a meaningless competition to prove me and Manchester United wrong,” Ferguson steamed.

“Some seem to think that one goal gives him the right to criticise the most successful club and manager in the country, but I would suggest that I’ll probably end up being proven right given the size of the Old Trafford trophy cabinet or should I say, trophy warehouse.

“If he actually makes it onto the pitch and doesn’t get injured in the next Premiership match – against a team which might actually try – then he can start aiming at overtaking my haul of leagues and cups.”

“God help him if he ever does lift a trophy, his arms will probably fall off……but then again he can always blame us for that.”

Hargreaves was unavailable for comment after suffering injuries to his voice box during Wednesday’s post match press conference.

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/football-clubs/manchester-utd/man-united-inject-a-dose-of-reality-into-owen/

Kevin Davies apologises for tackling Manchester United player

Bolton striker Kevin Davies has succumbed to public outrage and apologised to Manchester United’s Tom Cleverly after attempting to take the ball off him at the weekend.

Sir Alex Ferguson made his feelings clear as he raged about Davies’ audacity at actually trying his hardest against the champions.

“We knew it was bad straight away – anyone watching could see it was a tackle,” Ferguson fumed.

“It was unfortunate, but we expected it. Someone was bound to be reckless enough to try and tackle a Manchester United player this season.”

“It’s up to the authorities to stamp out this behaviour before it escalates into a Manchester United defeat.”

“You could see in Davies’ eyes that he only had one thing in his mind, beating Manchester United, and that’s simply unacceptable in the modern game.”

Davies apologises for tackle

Despite showing no remorse for elbowing opponents who do not make any fuss on a weekly basis, the Bolton man has revealed he has contacted Cleverly to say sorry for trying to win the ball.

“It’s the respectful thing to do for a Manchester United player,” Davies said.

“If I did it to some guy who plays for Chelsea or Liverpool I wouldn’t bother apologising, and Fergie would probably send me a nice bottle of wine.”

“Last season Jonny Evans nearly ended Stuart Holden’s career and no-one cared, so I thought it would be all right to try and pinch the ball at some stage.”

“Obviously I was wrong.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/13/kevin-davies-apologises-for-tackling-manchester-united-player/

US remembers 9/11 victims

On the day which marks ten years since the terror attacks on the World Trade Centre, a special ceremony at Ground Zero marks the anniversary as Americans pay tribute to the thousands who lost their lives.

Starting quite early in the morning, President Obama read a speech at the site of the tragedy, and then family members read out the names of the victims.

People gathered across the entire country to remember those who were lost on 9/11 2001, and they were joined by many in other countries too.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1180784

Source:
http://blogs.wsj.com/dispatch/2011/09/11/live-blog-911-anniversary-ten-years-later/?mod=e2tw

Nearly 200 dead in Zanzibar ferry tragedy

Rescue workers have said that they have found the bodies of nearly 200 people, many of them children, after an overloaded ferry sank in Tanzania.

The boat, carrying tourists from the island of Zanzibar to Pemba, had been designed to hold 600 passengers, but there may have been as many as 800 on board. Witnesses said she was listing even as she left port.

Police and rescuers continue searching for more survivors and bodies, covering the beaches nearby and expectant of discovering many who were trapped inside the hull when the ship flipped and capsized.

606 have apparently been rescued so far, but the number of the dead from this terrible tragedy is truly appalling, and will probably rise further.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1179430

Source:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/nearly-200-drown-as-overloaded-ferry-sinks-2352745.html

Manchester dominance continues in EPL

Both Manchester United and Manchester City maintained their impressive form at the start of the new Premier League season with heavy wins on Saturday.

City hosted Wigan Athletic and comfortably won 3-0, thanks to a hat-trick from new superstar Kun Aguero. Carlos Tevez missed a penalty.

That put the pressure on United who kicked off late at Bolton. It did not show however, as a hat-trick from Wayne Rooney and a brace from Javier Hernandez gave them the three points with a 0-5 result which could have been much more.

Chelsea remain close due to their 1-2 win at Sunderland, but Liverpool suffered disappointment, going down 1-0 at Stoke.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1180112

9/11 anniversary threat

The 10th anniversary of the 9/11 US terror attacks will be under strict anti-terror security after New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg confirmed they had received a "credible threat".

He also said that any claims were "uncorroborated", but it seems that New York and Washington are to be given special attention and protection, especially the subway systems.

Speaking on Thursday, Mayor Bloomberg looked to soothe fears, whilst insisting that everyone had to be more vigilant than usual.

The FBI has confirmed that there is a threat, but any details are either unknown or being kept secret.




http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1176768

Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-14848962

Details of American Jobs Act

President Obama addressed Congress on Thursday night with a crucial speech he called the American Jobs Act, which had implications not only for the American economy, but for the 2012 Presidential election too.

The main highlight was a $447 billion proposal to incentivise growth and hiring, fuelled by tax cuts and spending measures.

The main cause for concern is the US unemployment rate, currently at 9.1%. This looks to potentially be the crucial topic during the campaign next year.

Some Republicans have expressed interest in finding compromises on certain aspects of the proposal, although many have dismissed the whole package as electioneering.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1176506

Sources:
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/09/08/us-obama-jobs-proposal-fb-idUSTRE7877TG20110908
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-14841746

Argument over UK tax

A group of economists have criticised the high 50p tax rate in the UK, claiming it is damaging the economy. Chancellor George Osborne has also revealed that the recovery is not as fast as was hoped.

Labour introduced the tax for high-earners which takes 50% of salaries which are £150,000 each year or more.

However, this will anger many - such as trade unions - who will feel that the rich are not paying their fair share to help boost the country's growth.

The Inland Revenue will investigate to work out what is the most effective way of raising tax revenue.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1172361

Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-14810323

Welsh fan dies as England win

England won 1-0 against Wales at Wembley to all but secure their place in next year’s European Championships, but the result was  marred by news that a Welsh fan died after a fight before the game.

Reports suggest that a 44-year-old man died from serious head injuries sustained during crowd trouble outside the stadium.

England won an uninspiring match thanks to Ashley Young’s first-half strike, leaving them needing one more point to qualify.

However, the shocking news emerging just after the match puts the importance of the result into sharp contrast. What should have been a triumphant night for English football seems to have become a tragic and shameful one.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1171770


Source:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-14815693

Man United: Handbags More Important Than Abuse?

Racism against Manchester United player Ashley Young not as important as a small amount of pushing or widespread bribery claims Blatter

Sepp Blatter and FIFA could be awarded a special award for hypocrisy after criticising Spain and Chile for having a brawl on their ‘Fair Play Day’.

Blatter condemned the behaviour of both sides after the match, implying that a little bit of pushing is far worse for the image of football than having a world governing body constantly embroiled in bribery scandals or international players recieving racist abuse.

“The conduct of Spain and Chile is bad for the image of the game,” Blatter chided from the mouth on the other side of his face.

“Seeing players arguing and shoving each other does not give a positive impression to children. When I fixed the Presidential election, I made sure my opponent couldn’t even take part, let alone get close enough to touch me, if you are going to show children how to cheat you must make sure that you show them how to do it properly!’ said the FIFA Chief.

“Spain got a dodgy decision that won them the game, I take bribes, Qatar is a great place to have a world cup – these things happen in football! Why do people have to keep going on about it?”

“It’s much better for everyone if they just accept it and move on.”

“It is imperative that we focus all of our attention on this small bout of handbags because it allows us all to ignore the fact that we do sweet FA about more serious problems such as Ashley Young’s claims of racism in Bulgaria.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/breaking-news/man-united-handbags-more-important-than-abuse/

More on #hackgate

The hackgate scandal refuses to go away as James Murdoch, chairman of beleaguered News International, has once again been accused of knowing about the extent of phone-hacking at the News of the World.

Tom Crone, a former legal manager, has told MPs that an e-mail making clear that the illegal operations were rife at the tabloid was discussed with Murdoch.

Mr Crone said he was "certain" that Murdoch was aware of the e-mail, despite the latter previously denying all knowledge.

With such contradictions muddying the progress of the inquiry, many are waiting for further revelations if access to the full documentation is achieved.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1169593

Riot debate continues

The debate over the causality of the riots in the UK last month continues with Justice Secretary Ken Clarke blaming the "straightforwardly dreadful" record of the penal system at preventing reoffending.

He argues that most of the trouble was caused by a "hardcore" group of criminals who have not changed their behaviour following previous convictions.

The argument continues in Britain over whether certain groups of disillusioned youngsters should be held solely responsible, or whether the riots point to a much larger "Broken Society" problem.


http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1169123

Chelsea Man Secures Vital England Role

Fabio Capello has reassured Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard that he has a crucial role to play in England’s Euro 2012 campaign.

Only days after finally dropping him the England boss said he now saw the ageing midfielder as the perfect man to warm the bench for his young squad.

In a press conference, the England boss comforted the Chelsea midfielder when he said  “Lampard is still a vital part of the squad. His technique and ability to sit on the bench and look important is something that gives strength to the whole team.”

“Frank has all of the natural attributes needed to carry on warming the bench well into his thirties, the size of his backside alone will ensure that the whole dugout area maintains a lovely warm glow” said the Italian.

Despite being paid around £6 million each year, it has taken Capello quite some time to figure out what everyone else in England already knew – that Lampard and Gerrard are rubbish for England, particularly when they play together, but other football observers believe that Frank could now reinvent himself as the ‘complete pitch side heating system’.

“We will need flexible heating solutions if are going to do well in a cold country like Poland” said FA Chairman David Bernstein, “the likes of Jack Wilshere and Jack Rodwell can learn so much from him, the possibilities are endless for Lampard to reinvent himself, and his career”

“There will be a warm bench with his name on it for as long as he wants to stay involved.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/breaking-news/chelsea-man-secures-vital-england-role/

Scottish Tories may ‘break away’ to ban Dutch referees

Conservative MSP Murdo Fraser has announced he will try to ‘break away’ from the UK party if he wins the leadership election next month – in order to stiffen immigration control on football referees from the Netherlands.

He claims the party carries too much baggage and needs a new centre-right position to attract voters who want to see Dutch officials barred from the country forever.

Mr Fraser explained, “The only way we can possibly get people in Scotland to vote Conservative is to create a progressive party which preserves the identity of honest Scottish football.”

“Right now I think this will be attractive to a lot of people in Scotland who believe that any Dutch referee really doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“David Cameron is aware of the idea, and a number of senior Conservatives in Westminster seem more than happy to get rid of us.”

Scottish Tories to avoid going Dutch

Other MSPs have voiced anger over the proposal, suggesting that the plan could go down like a Czech in the penalty box during injury-time.

“I’m proud to be a Scottish Conservative and Unionist, and especially proud of being an infuriated fan of our national football team,” argued MSP Ruth Davidson.

“A ban on Dutch match officials will give us one less set of people to blame the next time we fail to qualify for a major tournament – which is only two years away.”

“No-one will be happier with the idea than Alex Salmond, who is already the master of redirecting public anger over football towards keeping the other UK parties out of Holyrood.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/06/scottish-tories-may-%E2%80%98break-away%E2%80%99-to-ban-dutch-referees/

Somalia famine threatens 750,000

The UN has warned that the famine in Somalia could kill as many as 750,000 unless conditions start to improve.

4 million are currently reported to be in crisis, with 12 million in urgent need of food aid.

Tens of thousands are reported to have died in the worst humanitarian crisis in the region for 60 years.

Neighbouring countries such as Ethiopia, Kenya and Nigeria are also at risk.



http://thenewsportal.net/?p=1167992

Man United Sneijder Deal Scuppered By ‘Outrageous’ Personal Demands

Reports of Wesley Sneijder’s extravagant personal demands during the Manchester United transfer saga have consolidated his place among the most egotistical and unrealistic footballers in the world.

He still has quite a lot of work to do in order to catch Carlos Tevez but his recent form looks promising and bodes well for another attempt on top spot in the January transfer window.

Despite their financial muscle, United were unable to meet the Dutch playmaker’s personal demands, which included an insistence that the rest of the United squad carry him in an Eygptian style shoulder carriage all the way from Milan.

Sneijder’s spokesman said that the player had always been a big fan of Kenneth Williams in the film Carry on Cleo and considered this a fitting mode of transport for the world’s greatest living playmaker.

It is also rumoured that Sneijder wanted the Old Trafford club to provide him with a subsidised lease for Buckingham Palace, unconcerned by the geographical implications, and a tax free salary of £300k a week after tax.

Little Sneijder's room

“I was very disappointed by what Manchester United offered,” he admitted.

“But the transfer can still happen in January. As long as they have the solid gold self wiping toilet ready and waiting I’m sure that I could be a United player by the end of the season.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/headline/man-united-sneijder-deal-scuppered-by-outrageous-personal-demands/

Scottish Football Finds The Perfect Scapegoat

Scottish football is celebrating after a bad dive and terrible refereeing left them with virtually no hope of making it to the Euro 2012 play-offs whilst providing them with the perfect excuse to blame it all on someone else.

They held a 2-1 in injury-time lead at Hampden Park against the Czech Republic when the referee fell for a dive by Jan Rezek and allowed the visitors to level the match from the spot, then in a bizarre turn of events which might have surprised even Old Trafford regulars the same official denied them a penalty of their own.

Despite the disappointment, it was particularly useful as it distracted attention from all the missed chances and decisions which had gone Scotland’s way throughout the previous 90 minutes and Scotland boss Craig Levein told reporters, “Obviously I’m seething at the result but very satisfied with the two dodgy calls going against us at the end of the match.”

“Rather than the Czechs scoring one of many chances they made throughout, we rode our luck until the dying seconds. Therefore the referee can become a convenient scapegoat for myself and the team.”

“In normal circumstances the public anger would have been directed at me and the team, but thanks to the impeccable timing of the diving laddie and his pal the ref, we’re able to get off lightly in the aftermath of our failure to qualify this time round.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/headline/scottish-football-finds-perfect-scapegoat4354/

Manchester United reveal Glazers to steal record £110.9m from club this year

Announcements that Manchester United’s owners are planning to float the club on the Singapore Stock Exchange in order to steal £600m have been followed by reports that the Glazers are to steal a record £110.9m as a result of operations this year.

Brian Wood of the Manchester United Supporters’ Club reacted, “As fans, we are obviously delighted to learn that the club is bringing in even more cash for the owners to withdraw in ‘travel expenses’ and ‘drawings’.”

“Another year like this and they might just decide to piss off before their luck finally runs out.”

“Not to mention the fantastic investments in young players like goalkeeper David De Gea – if I can get away with calling him a ‘goalkeeper’.”

Glazers swimming in United profits

The impressive numbers have been aided by United making it all the way to being battered in last season’s Champions League final, and strict constraints on the transfer budget over the summer which have resulted in Tom Cleverly breaking into the first team.

There has also been a sharp increase in revenue over the past few days following the release of a t-shirt branded ‘We 8 (-2) Arsenal’.

“We are thrilled at the new figures which confirm that Manchester United is enabling us to take increasing amounts of money from the Asian markets and use it to keep our other operations running,” revealed a Glazer family representative.

“The best part is, no matter how difficult we make it for Fergie, he still keeps us winning more stuff than the rest of the Premier League put together.”

“We don’t really understand soccer – or whatever they call it over there – but we like it as it’s keeping us from going bankrupt.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/02/manchester-united-reveal-glazers-to-steal-record-110-9m-from-club-this-year/