Sunday, 16 October 2011

Korean Grand Prix Greeted With Even More Indifference Than Usual

People around the world are turning in extraordinary performances this weekend in ignoring the Korean Grand Prix, following Sebastian Vettel’s title-clinching result a week ago.
Because of the German’s achievement in transforming a complete bore-fest into an even more complete bore-fest for the second consecutive year, sports fans in particular have found even less reason to wake up at 6 a.m this Saturday and Sunday.
One devoted Formula 1 fan exclusively revealed, “I could sleep in till noon or I could watch cars going round the same track for hours before the sun rises.”
“Of course, there’s always the appeal of David Coulthard’s features on the scientific causation and performance implications of rear-tyre degradation, so I might set the alarm to tune-in for that.”
“But probably not.”

Saturday, 15 October 2011

English May Feign Sympathy For Welsh Rugby Fans

Many English rugby fans face a difficult weekend as they have to choose carefully between feigning sympathy for the Welsh rugby team, or decide to snigger uncontrollably at their neighbours’ misfortune in the semi-final against France.
The amusement among the English was stoked early on with the harsh red card issued to the Welsh captain, and then compounded late in the match as they failed to take their chances to claim a heroic victory.
Pete Arnold from Stoke admitted, “The Welsh squad have made things very tricky for us.”
“Some wrote the match will ‘haunt Welshmen forever’. I certainly hope so!”
“But I’ve got a lot of mates in Cardiff and Swansea who are going to be rather edgy right now – not to mention drunk – so I’m hesitating as to what message to text them.”
“It’s either ‘the ref’s a loser’ or ‘ALLEZ LES BLEUS!’”
“I might have to flip a coin, to be honest.”

FIFA Seek Liam Fox Free Transfer

FIFA have announced their interest in snapping up Liam Fox after his resignation, as they look to rebuild their sleazy executive committee following the ethical allegations over the summer.
Football’s governing body lost some key bribery goal scorers during Sepp Blatter’s corruption-ridden re-election campaign, and they see Fox as an ideal substitute, with Adam Werritty always available in case they need some last-minute ‘advice’.
Blatter told us, “I’ve been monitoring Fox’s underhanded performances across the globe and I think he’s got what it takes to become part of our squad.
“We can always use a little poacher to ghost into a variety of obscure regions around the world and bring us out countless wads of cash.
“He’s used to playing in defence for the UK government but I can see him slotting right into our forward line and netting us some tidy profits.
“We’re looking to expand into Sri Lanka especially, so who better to lead the charge?”

Friday, 14 October 2011

Parents to Allow Children to Watch Group Stage of Euro 2012 After Rooney Ban

Football-loving children are waking up to unconfined joy across Europe as their parents finally confirmed that they will be able to watch the group stage of next year’s European Championships, after the news that UEFA had handed Wayne Rooney a three-match ban.
The verdict, announced this morning, shocked absolutely no-one and meant that fans can start planning to enjoy a start to the tournament with slightly less on-pitch verbal abuse and tantrums.
One devoted England supporter and father admitted, “It’ll be nice to be able to enjoy the games before the quarter-finals with the family. If Rooney was there, my wife would have insisted we go outside instead of watch them for fear of the children kicking each other for absolutely no reason.
“Now they’ll be able to watch the England matches and focus on the quality of the football.
“That’s not going to work actually, is it?”
Former captain and current pundit Alan Shearer insisted that Fabio Capello should pick Rooney anyway, despite his persistent lack of maturity when assaulting opponents.
“When I was playing for England and frustrated at losing possession, I would have waited to go in for a header – probably after an aimless hoof from Sol Campbell – and subtly planted my elbow in a defender’s eye-socket,” Shearer noted.
“Wayne showed again he doesn’t have the patience for those opportunities, and that’s very disappointing.
“However, England don’t reach the same level of overconfidence without Rooney. He simply has to go or there’s a danger that we might not develop any ludicrous expectations whatsoever.
“He must now prepare to come in at the quarter-final stage and humiliate himself and the nation immediately.
“But that’s what Wayne Rooney does and I’m sure he won’t let us down.”

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Carlos Tevez drops outside top twenty most hated people in Manchester

Reports are emerging that Carlos Tevez has dropped twenty places overnight in the Most Hated People in Manchester chart, thanks to the start of the Conservative party conference.
Mancunians can, for one week only, choose from a wide range of applicants for the prestigious title, although according to bookmakers George Osborne has already made the title his own.
Mandy Jones from Salford told us, “I thought the Tories had died out, but here they are telling us the things they’re going to do to make the gap between the rich and poor even wider!”
“I’m really looking forward to hearing more about Osborne’s strategy to wangle a reduction in the 50p tax rate, in amongst all the excuses about how enormous our national deficit is and how bad our economy is.”
“I guess that will put the grimace that passes for a smile on Tevez’s face.”

Tevez loses another position

Osborne put in a stunning performance on Monday as he made his claim for selection, and revealed that he was giving his all to snatch the prize from the Argentine.
“Knocking Carlos off top spot was always going to be difficult, but I feel that I might have done enough,” he said.
“I really think I hit the back of the net with my gloomy admissions about how, after all the spending cuts, everything is just as bad as it was before.”
“And the bit where I gave credit to the Liberal Democrats could have killed the game off.”
“I’m expecting some healthy competition from David Cameron and the other Cabinet ministers over the coming days, though.”

Monday, 3 October 2011

Man City: Tevez Set For Greece?

In a desperate attempt to divert global anger and derision from their economic mismanagement, the Greek government have offered to take troublesome Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez on loan.
With tensions across the EU growing on how to save Greece from economic disaster, the ministers have decided to gamble on bringing in a man who provokes even greater public anger than themselves.
Tevez’s agent said, “Obviously it’s not an ideal move for Carlos, but at least he won’t be in Manchester and he will be five minutes closer to his beloved Buenos Aries.”
“The Greek finance ministry have made it clear that they value Carlos and we imagine that with he’d fit in perfectly with a group of guys that sit around sullenly when everyone needs them most.”
The Greek Prime minister Stelios Kyriakos was optimistic about their prospects of signing the Argentinean, although he admitted the star would have to accept a pay cut.
“We know everything about making the most of our loans so we hope that signing Carlos could be the turning point for our country.”
“He singlehandedly diverted everyone’s attention from City’s defeat in Munich and unselfishly bore the brunt of the media backlash, we just hope he can do the same for us.”
“Obviously we can’t compete with Manchester City’s wage structure but we can promise him sunshine, kebabs and a one way ticket out of Manchester.”
Manchester City are set to release a statement before the end of the week.

Football managers debate God’s refereeing decisions after shock ozone loss

The news of a record loss of the ozone over the Arctic this year has created a heated discussion among Premier League managers over God’s decision-making as the global warming argument has progressed.
Greenhouse effect fanatic, Everton’s David Moyes, was furious with the Almighty for spoiling the record-breaking hot October weather with a rash call which leaves a hole in Earth’s defence against ultraviolet-B rays.
Moyes fumed, “God has ruined our late summer with this inexplicable decision.”
“I can’t see what the ozone’s done wrong there. He’s overreacted and that’s really cost us.”
“At all other times since Creation He’s been spot-on about everything, but this time it’s affected me and I think He’s played this one like a blindfolded Martin Atkinson.”
“Following a review of the evidence, we’ve decided to appeal. Or at least ask that He bans Luis Suarez from football for life.”

Ozone loss reaction

Global warming denier Arsene Wenger presented a different version of events, coming out in support of God.
“Normally I would claim not to have seen the incident, but in the case of an alleged difference in the levels of ozone in the atmosphere, I think that should be self-evident,” he explained.
“By not intervening too often and allowing everything to flow, God makes it possible for all things to come together like one of Arsenal’s scientifically-proven passing moves.”
“Bill Kenwright not giving David Moyes any pocket money isn’t a sufficient reason to bring His integrity into question.”
“The decision was correct. That is clearer than a Rafael van der Vaart handball.”
Meanwhile, Steve McLaren has finally realised he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and withdrawn from the debate entirely, to everyone’s intense relief.