Man United Sneijder Deal Scuppered By ‘Outrageous’ Personal Demands

Reports of Wesley Sneijder’s extravagant personal demands during the Manchester United transfer saga have consolidated his place among the most egotistical and unrealistic footballers in the world.

He still has quite a lot of work to do in order to catch Carlos Tevez but his recent form looks promising and bodes well for another attempt on top spot in the January transfer window.

Despite their financial muscle, United were unable to meet the Dutch playmaker’s personal demands, which included an insistence that the rest of the United squad carry him in an Eygptian style shoulder carriage all the way from Milan.

Sneijder’s spokesman said that the player had always been a big fan of Kenneth Williams in the film Carry on Cleo and considered this a fitting mode of transport for the world’s greatest living playmaker.

It is also rumoured that Sneijder wanted the Old Trafford club to provide him with a subsidised lease for Buckingham Palace, unconcerned by the geographical implications, and a tax free salary of £300k a week after tax.

Little Sneijder's room

“I was very disappointed by what Manchester United offered,” he admitted.

“But the transfer can still happen in January. As long as they have the solid gold self wiping toilet ready and waiting I’m sure that I could be a United player by the end of the season.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/headline/man-united-sneijder-deal-scuppered-by-outrageous-personal-demands/

Scottish Football Finds The Perfect Scapegoat

Scottish football is celebrating after a bad dive and terrible refereeing left them with virtually no hope of making it to the Euro 2012 play-offs whilst providing them with the perfect excuse to blame it all on someone else.

They held a 2-1 in injury-time lead at Hampden Park against the Czech Republic when the referee fell for a dive by Jan Rezek and allowed the visitors to level the match from the spot, then in a bizarre turn of events which might have surprised even Old Trafford regulars the same official denied them a penalty of their own.

Despite the disappointment, it was particularly useful as it distracted attention from all the missed chances and decisions which had gone Scotland’s way throughout the previous 90 minutes and Scotland boss Craig Levein told reporters, “Obviously I’m seething at the result but very satisfied with the two dodgy calls going against us at the end of the match.”

“Rather than the Czechs scoring one of many chances they made throughout, we rode our luck until the dying seconds. Therefore the referee can become a convenient scapegoat for myself and the team.”

“In normal circumstances the public anger would have been directed at me and the team, but thanks to the impeccable timing of the diving laddie and his pal the ref, we’re able to get off lightly in the aftermath of our failure to qualify this time round.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/headline/scottish-football-finds-perfect-scapegoat4354/

Manchester United reveal Glazers to steal record £110.9m from club this year

Announcements that Manchester United’s owners are planning to float the club on the Singapore Stock Exchange in order to steal £600m have been followed by reports that the Glazers are to steal a record £110.9m as a result of operations this year.

Brian Wood of the Manchester United Supporters’ Club reacted, “As fans, we are obviously delighted to learn that the club is bringing in even more cash for the owners to withdraw in ‘travel expenses’ and ‘drawings’.”

“Another year like this and they might just decide to piss off before their luck finally runs out.”

“Not to mention the fantastic investments in young players like goalkeeper David De Gea – if I can get away with calling him a ‘goalkeeper’.”

Glazers swimming in United profits

The impressive numbers have been aided by United making it all the way to being battered in last season’s Champions League final, and strict constraints on the transfer budget over the summer which have resulted in Tom Cleverly breaking into the first team.

There has also been a sharp increase in revenue over the past few days following the release of a t-shirt branded ‘We 8 (-2) Arsenal’.

“We are thrilled at the new figures which confirm that Manchester United is enabling us to take increasing amounts of money from the Asian markets and use it to keep our other operations running,” revealed a Glazer family representative.

“The best part is, no matter how difficult we make it for Fergie, he still keeps us winning more stuff than the rest of the Premier League put together.”

“We don’t really understand soccer – or whatever they call it over there – but we like it as it’s keeping us from going bankrupt.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/09/02/manchester-united-reveal-glazers-to-steal-record-110-9m-from-club-this-year/

Stoke City Set To Be ‘Biggest’ Team In The World

Stoke boss Tony Pulis has been crowing his delight at adding Peter Crouch to a squad which already features John Carew and Kenwyne Jones, thereby being able to put together a wall against opponents’ free-kicks which would leave David Beckham scratching his head.

Already undisputed kings of set-pieces in the Premier League, the Potters can now choose from strikers with a combined height approaching seven miles and can truly claim to be the ‘biggest team’ in the world.

Pulis commented, “We’re obviously really excited about having a forward line that can not only block out the sun, but also pull it out of the sky and head it between each other if they wanted to.

“It’s going to be absolutely hilarious when Arsenal come here this season and they have to defend Rory’s long-throws” said Pullis, “they’ll be begging to play Man United again by the time we’ve finished with them”.

“There won’t be a team that will enjoy playing us this year and my lads aren’t half handy when the light-bulbs need changing in my office as well.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/football-clubs/stoke-city/stoke-city-set-to-be-biggest-team-in-the-world/

Redknapp ‘Delighted’ With This Transfer

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp could not hide his disappointment at missing out on signing Bolton’s Gary Cahill but later revealed his happiness at what he considered a ‘fruitful’ deadline day as he saw David Bentley taken off his hands.

“Most think we’ve had a difficult couple of weeks,” Redknapp explained. “We’ve been battered on the pitch a couple of times, and I’ve had to keep Luka Modric locked in a cupboard in my office for the last month or so.

“But seeing Bentley go out the door after years of trying really has made all the travelling and sleepless nights worthwhile.”

“In January I’ll be able to focus on booting out Gomes, Cudicini, Dos Santos, Adebayor…its a hard job but someone has to do it.”

Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy echoed his manager’s thoughts and said that palming Bentley off on West Ham more than made up for losing the Olympic Stadium to his East London rivals.

“it was touch and go whether he could even cross the T in Bentley never mind put a decent cross in the box” said Levy, “what goes around comes around and they’re welcome to him and the bloody running track!”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/breaking-news/redknapp-strikes-d9876/

Manchester United Report Record Theft

Manchester United reveal Glazers are set to steal £110.9m from club this year

Manchester United have reported that their owners, the Glazer family, are to steal a record £110.9m as a result of operations this year.

The positive news follows the announcement that the Glazers are planning to float the club on the Singapore Stock Exchange in order to steal £600m more.

The impressive profits have been aided by United suffering defeat in last season’s Champions League final against a Barcelona side famous for being funded and ran by supporters, and strict constraints on the transfer budget over the summer which have resulted in Tom Cleverly playing in midfield.

The Old Trafford Club have also seen a sharp increase in revenue over the past few days following the release of a t-shirt branded, ‘We 8 (-2) Arsenal’ and scarves that ask what dawn French and Arsenal have in common, with the answer that they both 8 -2 much sewn onto the reverse side.

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/breaking-news/manchester-united-report-record-theft/

Manchester City Show Caring Side

Manchester City have enhanced their public image by offering monthly donations to English midfielder Owen Hargreaves.

Hargreaves was booted onto the street by Manchester United after Sir Alex Ferguson realised his hairdryer treatment wasn’t going to work on such an injury-prone player with a staggering amount of hair in constant need of drying.

Roberto Mancini confirmed, “He is someone we admire greatly, if only because he’ll help us wind Fergie up even more.”

 “As a Club we realised that wasting £250K every week on Carlos Tevez wasn’t great for business or publicity, so showing compassion to a luckless national team dropout could offer significant PR benefits.”

“We had also made a disappointing amount of bad signings so far this summer and needed to rectify this situation before the transfer window closed.”

http://themondaysupplement.co.uk/breaking-news/manchester-city-show-caring-side/